Sex Hotline?
by Angelling
Summary: AU: what can go wrong with just working on sex line? until his pet call and join the fun? *crap summary* yaoi, unbetaed,OOC, just for fun, One-Shoot, all stories is not related, Drabble and please dont flame! Chap.2 is UP...just see for yourself..:)
1. Sex Hotline

**AN: Hey...just trying for my first humor vampire knight fic. btw i get this fic because inspired of another fic of a really great author. and i dedicated this fic to hikari M . just cant get this fic out after read his fic^^..btw this is unbetaed and sorry for wrong grammar or spelling. and btw i only doing this for fun. please dont flame.**

Kaname groan as he hung up the phone at his work desk. He moved back his chair a little and look at his partner in crime in next cubicle. "Tell me again, why I'm here?" he said to his best friend since elementary Aido Hanabusa.

"Hmm..let's see…you fetish and sick uncle rido, asking you to working part time in here because he kinda sort of employer. Then he blackmail me and you to working here. Or he'll tell our boyfriend that we have our fun in one of his bar last month without them knowing?..hmm..yap I think that's it why you'r here!"

He groan again. "yeah..thanks for remind me. Oh..God….why me…? It's all because of you drag me there. I knew it it's not good to show up on those one of his strip bar. And now I'm stuck in this fucking shit job to pleasure other people that I dont even know, who's called to demand some kinky fetishes and disgusting pleasure." He suddered remember his last phone called when the freak guy asking him to imitate the snake sound, so that the freak can come.

Aido just shrugged. " yeah well better do this job, or hell break lose if your uncle found us slacking. There is nothing we can do, so better make our self easy money and pleasure". And then suddenly his phone rang.

"Yes..Hi..idol here.., so..what's your name and what can I do for u? he purred with his flirttanious voice. "Mhm..okh..mm..okay..now…just laid back on your bed. And just pray to whatever deinty you woship. That he/she will take you to hell right now! And one more thing gratz for spending 20 bucks for me!". He hung up with harsh. And he turn to me again.."Yap..see..? easy money and pleasure for my stress"

Kaname just growled at his childhood antics. 'great..just great..' he thought. And both their phones rang at the same time.

Kaname look with narrowing eyes 'if looks or my mind can blow up this phone!'.

"Yes..what how can I help you today?" he asking with a formal sound.

"…."

"uhm…hello…anyone there?" he asking again while looking at his phone 'is my phone broke at least from too many sex?' he thought puzzeled. And put his phone back at his ear.

"…..uhm..sex line?"

"no..it's a babyshop do you want to buy a bottle or a pampers? God of course it's a sex line, if you call here what else did you think?"

"…..fine! whatever! So how this is work? This .. uhm…mm…*cough*..sex thing!"

"oke, what did you like? Coz I'll do better if I know what your like"

"uuhm..normal I think.."

Kaname couldn't have been more thankful 'at last someone normal' "okay..i like normal stuff too, anything else that I must know ?"

"uhm..i think I like danger stuff too, actually I have a boyfriend"

"hmm..i like risk too, is your boyfriend is in the house with you right now?"

"Hell no! I'll be fucking dead if he is here and listening. He's at work right now. But still if he found out I called sex line…."

'hmm so it's not a desperate loners and irritating kids that just reach puberty', Kaname mussed " mm..such a possessive one, boyfriend you got there!"

"hn..you can said that"

"is he good in bed? And are you in bottom or top?"

The guy laughed "yeah right" it sounded hollow though "and I'm bottom though"

"Good, coz I'm usually top too, we'll do better I think coz we are same. I like danger and I have boyfriend that don't know that I work here too"

"hn…"

"hey..are you hot? Coz I like hot guy!" his mind travelled back to home where his beautifull and gorgreous silver hair and violet eyes belong to.

"uhm…maybe..i guess.."

"okay now..which part are in the house?"

"kitchen"

"okay..now..i slowly sneak up to you from behind, and I hug you on the waist with my strong hand, I pull you so your back rested on my strong and muscular chest. And I whisper your name." "okay what's your name"

There is a hesistant answer. And "Zero…"

Kaname grip on the phone hard suddenly 'Zero? My Zeroo? WHAT THE..? Shit!' he'll make sure to punish his pet. but…kaname smirked. Perhaps he could use this to his advantage.

"hey..are you still there? And what's your name?"

"yes..you don't need to know my name..i'm just here to please you"

"okay..please continue where you left off..when you whispered my name" he said huskily.

"yes..i whisper your name 'Zero'..and I sneak my hand inside your shirt and playing with your hardened nipples while my mouth nibbles your sensitive ears..and lick your neck" he can hear zero moan into his speech. 'okay this getting interesting' he thought.

"and I trailed off my hand into your pants, and take out your already swollen and hardened cock. And I pumped it painfully slowly to your liking." He can hear zero panting in the other side of phone.

"are you hard now zero ?"

"ah..ahh..yes..i'm..hard.."

"for who are you hard ne..zero and did you want me to continue this?"

"..I'm hard..for you….and..yes..please..ah.."

"hmm…good boy..i love it when you are panting and begging like that zero..and now tell me is your boyfriend really good in bed?"

"Hell..i'm even called the sex line..what do you think ?"

Suddenly there was an extreme killing tense in silence….'….you….why..you zero….'

"well he's not that bad actually, but still he's demanding too much and there is just something like he always come first before I do, and he's kind a crap to stimulate me."

Kaname mind turn into robotic destruction chant_ kill..kill..…!_

"Yeah I kinda know how it's to have a boyfriend who doesn't live up to your expectation" he said with nonchalant voice " why did you think I work at sex hotline?"

"hn..but please can you just continue this?" Zero laugh nervously.

"of course..ah..where are we? O yah..i pumped you slowly _**so you cant come first before**_ _**I do **_and I put my other hand to your mouth to suck it. Oh..i can wait to be inside you..i'm dying to be inside you. And I draw my hands from you. And I spin you so now you're facing me, and I leaned down my mouth to your ear and whisper…"

"you whisper..?" zero repeated.

"Guess Who….My pet Zero-rin? Bad boy you ne…"

There was a moment's silent..and then "OHHH FUCCKINGG SHIT!" with some kitchen utensil breaking in the background.

"**Run and Hide, My PET!** Your balls and ass are mine. And wait for your punishment at home" he roar.

Kaname hung up the phone.


	2. Damn You Auto Correct!

**AN : Just random crack joke fic . don't hate me please...it all just the idea come from reading the damn you auto correct website, and being inspired from alitablake also ;) please read her story.**

**Warning : OOC, Wrong Grammar, Typo, Boys Love indication, and shit plot!  
><strong>

**Disclaimer : all of the character none is mine, I'm just abusing them ... *evil smirk***

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><p>Zero just got his new mobile phone from Chairman because the last phone being crash when he was hunting on level-E. Now in his grip is his new mobile phone, but god knows what to do with this? Hell, but for one thing sure is he didn't. He didn't understand what is so amusing with this new type of phone, with Yuuki sending him a glare and complain to chairman being not love her when he get the phone in front of her.<p>

But he don't give a damm, cause right now he must meet with some prick for a little hunt. 'Where is that damm blood sucker, arrogant, handsome and sexy leech? Wait..did he just think what he think? Really i became strange whenever he is near me, he always touch me in strange place...but we already come to a friendship term with understanding since the Rido case..' he blush deep red at this thought. 'Why he is still hasn't come yet? Oh yes that a little good for nothing chairman said that prick will be late because he must attend some business meeting with that damm council about something.'

He gave a sigh 'maybe i should text him so he can bring his sorry ass here soon..yes that will do. Then he began to text...

Meanwhile in some other town there seat in the meeting room with some stuck up council, a man with godlike face and aura seems to bore to his mind. Suddenly his phone beeping means someone texting him, he pick up and open the small phone and snort at the subject. Only one person can deffy him to such extent, but it only made him want that person more. He thought with evil smirk on his face. Then he reply soon, ignoring all the looks he got from the old stuck up council.

From: Zero-rin  
>Subject : Where r u bloodsucker leech?<p>

Just get the hell your ass here soon! I'm boring out of my mind waiting for you.

**Still inside the meeting room.**

Great now..what...

How is your How is your dick so far? Have you gotten lucky yet?

**What?**

DAY! How is your DAY so far! Have you gotten LUNCH yet? Weird...is my phone malfunction? I think i text right...

**Uhm..dont tell me you use i phone? **

Yes..

**That means its being auto correct automatically by the phone. And to answer your question i haven't gotten lucky yet today, and my dick is aching for something today ;)**

Oh I see..what? wait, that's not what i asking, just forgot it. *he blush deep red that can put rose into the shame while reply to Kuran*

**Hn..anyway how is Yuuki today, she said to me yesterday about you will cook for dinner today and she invite me. Are you sure will do that Zero-rin, you know right I always eat first class cook?**

Don't you dare to call me that! Yes, I Will. But Please feel free and don't hesitate for not to come. But if you must, then i will just show you how well my Cock is! So you will go back to your dorm with your mouth full of my cock and no complain at all.

**Well Zero-rin.. aren't you a little aggressive today? Hmm...but i don't mind to fill all my mouth with your COCK anyway...and I really look for today dinner then ;3**

OMG its COOK! not COCK! God damm you Kuran! Must you take anything this serious?! Just get your freaking ass here soon Kuran or else...! really... I think I need anal now, just texting you make me crazy!

**I don't mind to do that Zero Dear, I will be there soon for you, just hold yourself ok? And don't do that by yourself, I will do it for you! *Kaname licking his lip and give a low groan, while he texting this***

I need A NAP! What the hell is wrong with this phone? Really this is just crazy...btw while on the dinner topic, CanYou lick me up tomorrow from the shop and It will be my treat since I'm getting laid.

**Deal. We can do that after dinner. Oh I can't wait for tomorrow to come. :D**

PICK. Can you Pick me up and I'm getting Paid! Tomorrow I get paid from Shop. O God! I'm just going to stop here. I hate this thong!

**What? Are you wearing one?**

THING! GOD DAMMIT!

**I'm on my way there shirtless. I'm sorry it's so late. If it ends up being too late you can always sleep on my crotch. I'm okay with snuggling, but I was thinking of doing something with porn tonight with dinner. We'll talk about it. I'll come in you as soon as I can.**

The young ex-hunter looks at his phone like it will eat him alive with wide eyes. And one thing for sure that cross at his mind while read the last text from Kaname is ' he is soooooo Fucks up!'

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><p><strong>Fin~~<strong>

**so how is it? *Puppy Eyes***


	3. Cyber Chat!

**Disclaimer: same like usual, Zero nor Kana is mine. If they are mine…then..hell will break loose.**

**This Story is based on some fucked up cyber chat that i read, belong to some dude with name Bloodninja. ^^ and i just want to share this funny chat with KaZe plot..have fun^^.**

This time Zero got a brand new Laptop on his birthday last week from that Show Off Kuran which is Apple, 'who want name the laptop with fruit name?' . But he already promised to the prick bastard that they will do some chat, and he already learn to do the cyber chat from the despicable Aidou under that Kuran intense gaze. And now tonight he already ready in front of his laptop, to make nick name to login in the chat.

"Input your nick name". 'hm..let's see…' he typed something on the keyboard.

"BloodyRose logged in the chat" 'ok's that is a success…now what….'

'…..crap I'm forgot..' suddenly that is a beep sound coming from the laptop, he look at it and it say "incoming chat request from SexyPureblood"

'ok…lets accepts this' then he click the accept button with his mouse.

SexyPureblood : "Hi Zero"

BloodyRose : "WTF…how the hell did you know my name?! answer me you fucker?"

SexyPureblood : " Geez Zero…of course I will know it's you who the hell will use that so oblivious nick such as yours, btw it's me Kaname"

BloodyRose : "What the hell did you want Kuran? I should know its you, since who will use such a arrogant nick. Why you make me do this, while you sit on the work room not far away from our bedroom?"

SexyPureblood : "Ck..Ck..language Zero, I already told you not to use foul language when you speak/chat with someone right? Or did you already forgot the punishment I gave you last night already?"

BloodyRose : "…"

SexyPureblood : "Good now that I already have your attention…I want to try something new in our relationship, so we can spice up thing…so lets do sex chat!*_^ what did you say nee..Zero?"

BloodyRose : "…..Hell NO! just go fuck yourself Kuran!" .  
>with some breaking furniture in the background can be heard from where Kaname sit. 'hmm why you have to make this so difficult Zero' he sighed and stand up gone to the other side room.<br>.

.

.

After a long 5 minutes pass with a loud moans and cursing from that room. Kuran back to his chair, with his smug and arrogant air self, minus the shirt he wore before he gone to zero.

SexyPureblood : "Now shall we..? just be good boy okay Zero..and I promise it will be good"

SexyPureblood : "Baby, I been having a tough day with old prick council so treat me nice ok?

BloodyRose : " Alright…"

SexyPureblood : "now take off those pants baby.., yeah"

BloodyRose : " yeah right…..like I have any pants on me now after what have you done minutes ago…, but yeah will take it off for you sexy"

SexyPureblood : "good Boy now, I put on my robe and Wizard hat"

BloodyRose : "Oh, I like to play dress up."

SexyPureblood: "Me too baby."

BloodyRose : "I kiss you softly on your chest."

SexyPureblood: "I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful boy."

BloodyRose : "Hey...don't call me beautiful"

SexyPureblood: "I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 **** of the Infinite."

BloodyRose : "Funny I still don't see it."  
>SexyPureblood: "I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty **** of the Beyondness."<p>

BloodyRose : "You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous."

SexyPureblood : "Don't **** with me *****, I'm the mightiest vampire king of the lands."

SexyPureblood : " I steal your soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. D Vampire."

BloodyRose : "Don't ever message/chat with me again you piece of shit."

SexyPureblood : "Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal."

SexyPureblood : "Council congratulates me for destroying Rido evil army. The cold war ends. Yuuki steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of her."

SexyPureblood: "You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now."

SexyPureblood: "Baby?"

.

.

Next Night,

Zero bored out of his mind cause Kaname on the meeting with all the vampire and hunter council. and thinking of playing the cyber chat again. After last night fiasco, and how angry he is, and how many time Kaname asking for apologize. He still feel angry with the damn Bastard.

And now he want to try the sex chat again, but maybe not with Kaname, he want to learn a proper sex chat, so kaname can feel Good and happy. 'what the hell…just go through with it, it doesn't like he know about it'

"BloodyRose Logged in…"

'let see..chat with..whom…' and suddenly beep sound can be heard.'who..?'

"Chat Request from PureSuperJunior"

'Let's accept this..'

BloodyRose : "Ok, are you ready? "

PureSuperJunior: "Aight, yeah I'm ready."

BloodyRose : " I like your music Em... *blushing*."

PureSuperJunior : "huh huh, yeah, I make it to lure the ladies and boys."

BloodyRose : "Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you."

BloodyRose :"I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique."

PureSuperJunior : "Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat."

BloodyRose : "What the ****, I told you not to message me again until I told you so."

PureSuperJunior : "Oh shit….(o0o)"

BloodyRose : "I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report you to my vampire hunter president and tell them that you were sending me kiddie porn you **** up.

PureSuperJunior : "Oh shit"

PureSuperJunior : "damn I gotta change this sex plot… Takuma Fucked up plot getting old to used!"

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><p><strong>I know this story is really sucks, but anyway just want to share all of you some humor to laugh ^_^.<strong>

**Btw if you wondering how Kaname can know that zero online is, he put the tracker on the laptop incase zero online..so that's it. And he just bored out of his mind at the meeting and playing with his laptop too^^.**

**And just FYI, last chapter how kaname can reply the sms like that in the end of chapter is, because he used I-phone too, so he just purposely make the mistake to tease our cute Zero..^^ but can you guess what actually he trying to reply to zero?xixixi…**

**Btw, thanks for all the reviewers all of your comment make my day brighter.**


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